Dating an HIV positive man, I am negative

[peachy77]

I have been dating a wonderful man who contracted HIV through blood transfusion as a child.  He is very open when I ask questions and never gets upset when I ask.  We are involved sexually and always use condoms.  We do however engage in unprotected oral sex.  I know that there is a chance of cotracting HIV this way but can somebody tell me the odds.  

[Willy50]

Peachy, There is a lot of information out there by simply googling the subject.  Here are three links which should get you started.  There is not 100% agreement on the actual percentage.  I often say that it comes down to practices and personalities since there is some range in peoples sexual practice; for instance frequency, duration, and vigor.    I don't think that having a particular statistic represents homogenous outcomes.  

Here are a few of many out there;

http://www.metrokc.gov/health/apu/infograms/oralsex.htm

http://www.thebody.com/cdc/oralsex.html

http://www.gaylib.com/aids/aids22.htm

Best wishes and good health,
Willy

[guest]

I am filled with grief and unhappiness that so many people have contracted HIV. I hope and pray that we can all learn to have mutual respect in love... then HIV will not continue to be spread by high-risk behavior, and this devastation will perish on its own.

The concept of safe sex or safer sex with a condom is misleading. Would you knowingly transmit a deadly disease to someone you love? Can it be wise to trust in the use of a condom during sex with someone you say you love, or anyone at all, when condoms have been known to have a failure rate of 10% to 15%? Denial is not a shield, nor is ignorance a sanctuary. These Universal Laws are put here for our benefit, not for us to try to figure out ways to beat them.

Obviously it is Russian roulette to get involved in high-risk behavior.  I am sorry to put it this way -- but watching my brothers and sisters die of AIDS has hardened my heart -- no more candy coating --

HAVING HAD A SPIRITUAL AWAKENING AS A RESULT OF THESE STEPS (the 12 steps of HIV Anonymous) WE COME TO REALIZE THAT TRUE LOVE IS FILLED WITH ITSELF AND IT IS NOT CAPABLE OF DEFEATING ITS OWN PURPOSE.  IN OTHER WORDS, I HAVE LEARNED THE TRUE MEANING OF LOVE AND I WILL DO MY BEST TO NEVER INTENTIONALLY PUT ANYONE (INCLUDING MY SELF) IN HARM'S WAY.

[Willy50]

Our guest makes a good point; there are no guarentees and that the risk is very a serious consequence in spite of what may be a lower risk behavior.  

To stay on topic I would like to point out that the request for information was about oral sex, as opposed to vaginal or rectal sex.   Therefore, I'm not sure that the condom failure rate would apply to this situation.  As an aside on that subject, there is a great disparity in what you may find in preditions for condom safety.  One can read that the safety rate of condoms is 97-99% effective when (and only when) they are used correctly.  When they are used INCORRECTLY there may be up to around a 15% failure rate.  Of course, the consequences of failure are dire when HIV is involved.

On the subject of ORAL SEX; here are a few great links which are bound to help you assess safety and make safer sexual choices;

http://www.thebody.com/Forums/AIDS/SafeSex/Archive/PreventionSexual/
     
http://www.cdc.gov/hiv/pubs/faq/faq19.htm

http://www.thebody.com/safesex/oralsex.html

http://www.gaylib.com/aids/aids22.htm

I feel as if it is safer for me to provide information via links.  I am not a HIV expert; I am here only to help the forum, and to help those infected with HIV or AIDS.  If you have read a few of my posts here, you'll know that I am not infected with HIV, but that I do have HCV (hepatitis C).  We basically only transfer our virus from blood to blood contact.  Our sexual transmission rate is very low; somewhere between 3% to even less than 1% in basic everyday hetersexual sex.  In our case...... doctors tell married couples that they do not even need to use a condom if they are monogamous and do not engage in high risk sexual activities.  Whereas the risk of sexual tranmission is very low, it is not non-existant.  I've never heard anyone suggest that married or monogamous couples abstain from sex due to the risk of transmission.  Furthermore, the rate of HCV transmission within a household (for instance from parent to child) is in the area of 5%.  This is about double the rate of sexual transmission.  At what percentage does risk become acceptable?

There will always be those difficult choices that must be made.  We must educate ourselves so that we can protect our loved ones and ourselves.  I feel that one of the purposes of this forum is to provide it's readers with a format for asking questions, getting them answered, and being exposed to different ideas, perspectives, and being provided with a format for finding and communicating with those in similar situations.  

I thank both parties for providing that.  

Best wishes,
Willy