I know but he doesn't

[help me]

Hi pancha;
Glad to hear the good news!  If your daughter is up to going back to work she must  be feeling a lot better.
The dust was one of the things I was goiing to tell you about because in going thru the nose a membrane that protects the brain is punctured so she will want to be careful not to get around dust, mildew, mold etc.  She will probably suffer from nasal congestion from now on.  It took me a couple of months before my period returned I was so sure that I was pregnant but my endrocronoligist reassured me that it was a common occurence.  It also took me a long time to sneeze. The scabs that come out are terrible. But the nose feels so much better once they pass out.  I'm glad she is in a good mood today each day wiill get a little better soon she will not need the pain pills at all.

[pancha_villa]

Hi help me,
 Well she went to work today, im so nervous for her, i feel she should of waited but the docter said it was a good sign, my daughter is a go getther she has to be doing something ,every second of the day,which is a good thing.But she could still leak spinal fluid, and if that happens they will put a tube in her back so it could drain,.So i hope she dosent get in a fight or bump her nose. Oh look, at me, im a typical mother, i better stop it........My daughter always had problems with her sinus's.The docters said she has to loose weight , that the weight gain was not part of her tumor, and they ran a whole bunch of tests to see if she is a diabetic and her harmones levels.I hope she isant but i got her to join in my workout forum, so everyday now she is gonna have to get in alot of cardio.I got to check my e mail to see if she is doing ok ,. until later ,bye for now,pancha villa

[pancha_villa]

Hi help me,
  I didnt want to leave without saying goodbye, I hope you still have my e mail address, It has nothing to do with the information on the board itself but , i do have issues with someone that ,i cannot say , but i will miss posting, cuz i care for the people so much,.But it is necessary for me and my daughter at this time. thank you for your kindness and respect and just the type of person you are, never change... have a good time here on the board ,. take care , pancha villa

[helpme]

As Arnold says "I'm back!"  Need of advice if I did the right thing. Nothing has changed as to whether my son has been to the doctor, however he now admits that for sure he believes that he is positive due to the obvious symptoms and he has lost his job because he is fatigued to the point that he can only stay up for about 3 hours at a time and then he must stop and lay down.

I need the advice from someone that knows neither one of us.  The problem is on every sunday monday and wed morning his girlfriend either comes over or calls. Each time there is loud arguing either over the phone or in my house sometimes they go out into the driveway with the neighbors stopping and stareing at them and this goes on sometimes for hours.  The last time the outside incident happened he was crying and screaming because he had seen her the night before in the car with another man. He was trying to leave in his car and she grabs the seat belt and holds on while the car is moving and gets dragged down the street until she had enough sense to let go.  At that time I asked my son would he not do this in my presence his response was that people have disagreements. I told him that they could not carry on like that here. This past monday morning she calls and starts off the conversation with accusations that she knew that he was not home the night before as he had told her he was she said that she had drove by and did not see his car in the driveway he told her the reason she didn't see it in the driveway was because it was parked down the street because he couldn't park it any closer because the neighbors had company the night before.  YOu caould hear her screaming "you are a liar I hate you I saw your car parked near my girlfriends house."  I personally know that he was home because I was up most of the night especially the time she said that she saw the car and I saw him sleeping. Long story short he cried for hours saying why can't I die right now why do I have to be continually hurt with people telling me they hate me.  Later she called back and I told her that If she could not call and not create choas in my house I would appreciate it if she just didn't call anymore.  Now he says that I made him look like a little boy and not a 24 year old as well as now she says that she doesn't want to come over here anymore because she wasn't aware that I had heard her or seen her when they were performing before and she just can't look me in the face.  He says that I was wrong for saying anything to her that I should have let him tell her.  I have been telling him for over 2 months that this screaming and hollering had to stop that he has not ever in his life seen me or his father talk to each other in that manner.  He says that I am pushing her away from him.  He asked me how was I going to resolve this matter so that she will come back over again.  I told him I am not backing down about her conduct at my house and if she wants to come over on those conditions she is welcome to do so and I will call her and tell her that she is always welcome not her drama.  He feels of course that I am wrong and that I should apologize for saying anything to her.   Am I wrong?

[Willy50]

You've heard all my disclaimers; I'm not a HIV espert, not a shrink, doctor, etc.  I'm affilliated with Al-Anon, but don't claim to be the "voice" of the organisation.  People go to Al-Anon when their life is getting crazy due to another persons drinking.  In reality there are things that people do....people that are sick from many things other than drinking...... that can confuse and agitate other loved ones......particularly if they live with them.

In you son's case......I agree with you completely.  It's your house and your rules.  I feel that he is holding you "hostage".  He may have HIV or some other infirmity but refuses to seek help.  He's playing the "dying martyr".  You can't kick him out; he's deadly ill (and intends to stay that way so he can manipulate you).  The woman that he is with......is just as ill as he is; anyone else would have left him.  You get stuck with the two of them.  As I say. He stays with the behavior because it works.  If you chose to try to break the behavior with your rules..... he will resist.  He likes it where he is.

So ask yourself; what part of this is working for you?  The behavior remains, but if anything it gets worse.  He is still undiagnosed, he is therefore still not getting any treatment for whatever he has.  In that respect YOU are part of the problem in that you continue to allow self destructive behavior in your house.  I'm deliberately overstating this a bit so you can get the idea.  You are also a loving parent that is trying to support your child who is apparently ill.  And yet....... you still play some part in his refusal to seek help.  In this way yours resembles the alcoholic and co-dependant loved one's relationship.

I think you are doing alright and trying to assert yourself and your rules.  It's a very difficult situation but I'd suggest that you take steps to regain the life that YOU need.  That means possibly setting rules, telling your son to get diagnosed and treated or to leave.   I feel that the your son and the girl friend are misbehaving, causing a disturbance and even endangering others in the neighborhood.  What if a child were in the street when your son was dragging his girlfriend down the street?   You have rights, and so do your neighbors. 

Nice to hear from you.  I'm sorry if the tone is gruff but I actually am on your "side".  The advice is intended to help you.  The way that recovery works is that when we start caring for ourselves other things seem to fall into place.

Take care,
Willy

[helpme]

I asked for advice and I do realize that sometimes the correct advice may not be soft or easy however sometimes touch and to the point is what we need.  I Know that I should give him directions out of my house but it should have been maybe hreeyears ago when he was up and was working as well as going to school. I'm laying on myself a quilt  trip as to how would I feel now that he is not working and physically unable to hold a full time job, if I put him out how would he survive. However I am not going to let him continue on this path as to thinking he can just do anything in my house and get away with it. I've continually asked  him if his girlfriend would even dream of doing this at her mom's house  he says nothing but people that know her mother says the mother is extremely strict and can't believe they act the way they do.
I really had made great strides in dealing with my son and trying to detach myself as much as possible and try to live for myself becauseI came to appreciate that I am nothing to my son until he's in trouble or he can use me somehow to his benefit. The awaking hurt but when I thought back I've known about 8 years but I was not being true to myself. 

My husband and the daughter that is aware of his illness(?) are afraidof me being alonehis behavior is becoming more umpredictable and he seems to feel that he can do anything he wants because at this point he has nothing to lose. I'm spending less time at home when I know he  is going to be here so that I have as little contact with him as possible. But I know this is nto the way it should be.   I wish I could just wake up and find out this last year was just a bad dream.

[helpme]

This is not for a response even though I realize that there are a few people reading. I'm also sure  that maybe a few of you have gone thru trying times with their loved ones yet only maybe two have said something, that's o.k.  However this is for those who might have hiv or aids.
 
when I realized that my son had hiv I of course was devasted couln't eat or sleep I lost weeks out of my life that I can't remember what I did. After the initial shock I vowed to stick by his side even more than I have done thru-out his 24 years because I can't even describe the love I have for him. I've even wondered why did I not die years ago so that I would not have to see the sick(physically and mentally) individual that he has become. Try as I may to help him he goes deeper into despair becomes harder to communicate with at times displays animalistic tendencies. It has come to the point now that at times I really don't like the person he has become I want him as far away from me as he can get without dying.  I feel as if all the life in my body has drained out I am miserable.  I say this so if you have hiv or aids let your family or friends be your support don't attack them for the choice that  you made and  make their life a nightmare.  If you suspect you have hiv or aids go to the doctor get treatment don't wait until there is nothing anyone can do for you and shorten your life. I've read that hiv is not the death sentence that it once was but you have to act and take advantage of the medication, support groups change  your life style and eating habits so that  you can lead an enjoyable productive life in spite of the hiv.  Don't give in to self-pity and harboring resentments for things that happened in the past because thats what it is in the past.  Resentment  for his sister I believe is what led my son to the multiple partners and his negative attitde he has about the women that he has been in relationships with. He feels his sister should die too for things she did as a child to him. So if you have animosity towards anyone don't let it fester into hate move on if you can't then talk to them about it maybe they don't even realize that they have done something that impacted you so much.
Mostly, let your family and friends love and care for you and enjoy your life with them

[helpme]

This is just a note for your information after trying to let the authorities know that my son was possibly sleeping with someone while he might have hiv (no confirmation by doctors yet)I was told of the legal consequences of devulging this information. It could mean fines as well as other types of prosecution.  The letter sent to me stated that I should assume that if he does have hiv that he has told his partner I cannot tell anyone of what I suspect because it is against the law.  I don't know if this is just in the state that I live in or this is across the board.