Blue Christmas

I am a gay male who turned 18 in 1980. It was a whole different world back then.

We all know what happened. Some of us changed how we lived. Others did not.

Here in the South, it took time for the virus to get around. The first people that died, I didn't know. They were faceless, nameless statistics delived in morbid black and white in the obituary column.

Then in 1992 it hit closer to home. I read that Jimmy S had died. I met Jimmy at college registration. We were good friends all through school. He came from a very traditional old money Southern family. I tried to go to his funeral with my long time on again, off again partner Jeff. We were turned away as Jimmy's mother didn't want any of those people there. So Jimmy was buried a lot like he lived- surrounded by people who hated what he was and were embarrassed by him.

In '94 Charlie died. Another college pal. I found out before he was gone and got to see him. When I saw his physical condition, it was all I could do keep from collapsing on the spot. I had known a tall handsom young man who was bright, always smiling and was one of those people that glowed. When I saw Charlie that day, it was hard to believe that he was the same person. Emaciated, almost skeletal, he was a mere shadow of himself. The only thing that was the same was his smile. I kept it together during our last visit but cried like a baby after I left. I knew that I would never see him again.

Later that year another close friend committed suicide after he was diagnosed. One day he was fine and then he was just gone.

Jeff D was the love of my life. We fought like tomcats but it only made the making up better. We met as seniors in high school and that was it. When it came to the gay life- I was a babe in the woods. I knew nothing about the bars, drag shows or crusing or any of that crap. Truthfully, I tolerated it to be with him because I was crazy, stupid in love with him.

We got together as much as we could for years but we had some issues- big issues. Monogamy was, in Jeff's view, ridiculous. Before AIDS, it was I suppose. It's not like I was a saint but I was being educated in the sciences. I carefully followed what was going on with GRID, then HIV and finally AIDS and I knew that we were on a collision course with diaster if we didn't change the way we live. Although it hurt me greatly, we finally broke up shortly after Jimmy's death. I found out about Jeff's death on a cold Febuary morning in 1996 in the obituaries.

There were many others but these were the ones that hurt me. They were the friends of my youth and now I feel like that last survivor of a lost generation. Of course there have been new people in my life but it's the one's that you grew up with that you really miss.

It's been so long but this time of year I think about them. I sometimes feel guilty that they died and I lived. I miss them all so much.